Cave In At The Data Mine
Disaster struck the data mining industry this week when a cave in at the Omnivore Corporation’s InfoGrab Data Mine trapped miner Dylan Dinkins beneath several tons of adorable kitten videos for three days. The cave in and subsequent rescue effort are the focus of a new investigation by the Federal Mine Safety Bureau.
Located in the Nevada desert, uncomfortably close to both Area 51 and Las Vegas, Omnivore’s InfoGrab Mine has boomed in recent years as the global demand for consumer data has swelled.
“Big business has a big appetite big data, and we serve it up like the Shoney’s breakfast bar on a busy Sunday morning,” said Omnivore spokesperson Kurt Duggans. “Whether a national discount store chain wants to learn which brand of underwear you prefer, a health insurer needs to know how many margaritas you drank last week, or the Ukrainian mafia is hot for grandma’s social security number, Omnivore is here to help. We do everything possible to ensure the safety of our miners as they go about their business.”
But critics disagree, and point out that the Dinkins incident is merely the latest in a series of events indicating safetyprocedures at the Omnivore facility are below current standards. In December, 2011, Griffin Meeks, then an intern at the InfoGrab mine, was washed away when a digital dam collapsed and released a flood of Kim Kardashian tweets. His body was never recovered. In August of 2012, over a dozen data miners were blinded by a clip that purported to teach viewers the “horsy dance” from Korean pop star Psy’s “Gangnam Style” video, but was actually an infomercial promoting the Albanian pornography industry.
The U.S. government has acknowledged that data mining is an inherently dangerous occupation due to the vast chasms between what consumers claim they are doing online and their actual activities. While some in congress have pushed for additional regulation, others believe it would hamper the growth of the industry. Dylan Dinkins, who is currently being treated for dehydration and exposure at Our Lady of Luck Hospital in Reno, refused to comment.
Posted by Bill
|
6 comments
Leonard W.
Thanks for exposing these chronic safety violators – the internet will never be safe unless we can gain the ability to blow up, via long distance, these unwanted pop ups and targeted sales messages.
Debora G.
Intelligent yet humorous point of view – love it!
Dale R.
More proof that the data grubbers have left us vulnerable to the evil “Beelzebub in the Box” controlled by Nigerian and Chinese wunderkinds who hold us all ransom. Help!
Larry McC.
America’s biggest data miner, the NSA, has an elevator in D.C. that only goes one way: down. And at the bottom of that mine lies a big, big man… Big John. Or some execs from Jimmy Dean Sausage.
George B.
If you have the pleasure of knowing Bill, his humor stretches like a limo with auto drive, or in Bills case, wisdom. That’s because he’s a very experienced writer, in a variety of APS (note my hip vocabulary). Ha!
Shully
Careful there, Billy Bob! Up until his tragic accident, my daddy worked at the InfoGrab Data Mine since even before I was borned. His wages is what payed for me and my sister Verna’s degrees in Advanced Data Tagging and Offshore Helpdesk Technology. ~Dylan, Jr.